When life straight up sucker punches you.
We decided to start trying for baby number two because we just love baby number one SO MUCH and we were sad about how fast she was growing. So our solution? Let’s make another!
When we tried for Penelope, we did NOT get pregnant right away. This lead to a TON of stress, lots of tears, and journey with acupuncture (Yupp. It really helps) before we finally created our sweet little princess.
Since it took us some time, we decided to start trying a little early in case it again, took some time. Our first month of trying, we scored. Not only was I late, but I bloated up like a balloon and just felt different.
We were both so excited. I think since this baby was our second, we knew what to expect so we weren’t as shocked or scared as we were with baby number one.
To be honest, I still can’t even believe I have a story. Miscarriage was always something I said would devastate me, and something that was always a fear of mine.
After the initial excitement wore off, I started feeling like something was off. I even remember walking into the living room, where Dan was sitting on the couch and I just started crying. I told him “I think we need to be prepared in case we don’t get to meet this baby.” Talk about weird right. A women’s intuition is a force to be reckoned with.
I had these weird pains at first. They were sharp and shocking. So what’s the first thing Dan and I did? Turned to the internet. He turned to google, I turned to my Facebook mom groups and felt just as off-put as I did before. Dan on the other hand gained hope. He said that it could be because of my last c-section and scar tissue, so we held on tight to that possibility.
Even though I had a feeling that I wouldn’t get to meet my baby on this side of Heaven, and even though I tried to prepare myself as best as I could, nothing can prepare you for a miscarriage. Nothing.
However, God really is so good. Two weeks before this happened to me, God put Jordan Lee Doley’s Podcast about her miscarriage in my path and I swear it was put there to help me with my upcoming journey with loss. (You can listen to her podcast here.)
I don’t want to get into the details of what happened right now, because it’s still so real, and so close to home. However, I will say this:
Miscarrying is really uncomfortable to talk about and so hard to understand if you haven’t been through it yourself. I don’t share our story with loss to make you uncomfortable, or most importantly, I don’t share it for your pity. I share because unfortunately, miscarriage is way too common and so many women sit alone in silence. I didn’t realize it before, but the miscarriage journey is a lonely one. It’s full of regret, blame, and sadness.
I know that within my little growing community, there are women who feel this message, and one’s who need to hear this: I’m here. I’m not going to sit in silence because that would be lonely; and I don’t want myself, or any other women feeling that way during a hard season of life. If you’re someone that’s been through this, or if you know someone who is going through it/has gone through, feel free to reach out and we can walk this road together.
I know that God knew that our baby, Gabriel Hazaiah (God is my strength, God sees), needed to be with him. It give me such great comfort to know that Jesus was the first thing my baby saw upon entering Heaven and I know my baby will be one of the first people I meet when I leave this world.
If you want to read more personal posts, you can here.